Basic Fear: Of being harmed or controlled by others
Basic Desire: To control your own life and destiny; to protect yourself and those you care about
(Damaging) Self-Image: You must always be strong and in control to have value.
Level 1: Level of Liberation
Behaviors (outer): heroic, inspiring, courageous, empowering, selfless, gentle
Attitudes (inner): self-surrendering, compassionate, merciful, magnanimous, forgiving, faithful
Self-Actualization: Let go of your identification with a particular self-image, that you must always be in control of your environment
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: Of being harmed or controlled by others. You tend to view life as a challenge, but you become less healthy when you begin to view others as specifically challenging you.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: N/A
Level 2: Level of Psychological Capacity
Behaviors (outer): strong, assertive, resourceful, action oriented, direct, tenacious, robust
Attitudes (inner): self-reliant, independent, strong willed, self-determining, resolute, impassioned, vigorous
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To be the master of your own fate and destiny; to be in control; to protect yourself and others with whom you are close
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: You begin to fear (or “become concerned with” because you might not like the word “fear”) losing your strength and, especially, independence. You begin to see yourself as either strong or weak, independent or vulnerable, with little grey area between those extremes.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: Let go of seeing everything in terms of “challenge.” Specifically put yourself in situations where the issue of “control” doesn’t apply. Also, rather than being concerned with your own protection, focus on the protection of others. Take care for those who cannot stand up for themselves. And, “care” means more than just standing up to “bullies.”
Level 3: Level of Social Value
Behaviors (outer): leading, providing, constructive, have vision, challenging, championing, tough decisions, protective
Attitudes (inner): self-confident, self-mastering, honorable, authoritative, initiating, decisive, strategic, seeking justice
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To prove your strength through action or achievement; To challenge and surmount any obstacle
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: You begin to doubt that you have enough resources at your disposal in order to provide, lead, or maintain control. You start to view vulnerability or strength in terms of outer resources rather than inner resolve.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: Let go of feeling that you have something to “prove” to others. While it is great to achieve and accomplish something, if you are doing something to “prove” anything, then you’ve already handed control over to others.
Level 4: Level of Imbalance
Behaviors (outer): enterprising, hardworking, risk-taking, straight-talking, businesslike, rugged, “street smart”
Attitudes (inner): pragmatic, competitive, seeking advantage, shrewd, “no nonsense,” self-interest, driven
Desire (why do you act and think these ways): To acquire resources that you may need to maintain your position (focus on power dynamics in every relationship)
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: Your focus moves more and more to what others think and do. You begin to be concerned that others will not respect you or recognize your hard work.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: Respect and control are not “bought” through the amount of resources you have. Focus on building your inner strength and resources rather than control of what is outward. Investigate the “dichotomy of control,” in which you invest your time, effort, and emotional resources into that which is under your complete control – such as your response to situations – rather than invest in that which is at best under your partial control – such as other people.
Level 5: Level of Interpersonal Control
Behaviors (outer): dominating, controlling, boastful, bossy, blunt, bluffing, big promises, demand loyalty, “daredevils”
Attitudes (inner): self-glorifying, expansive, swaggering, willful, proud, insistent, egocentric, territorial
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To convince yourself and others of how important you are (to feel important)
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: You begin to fear that you are losing control of your environment, mastery of the situation. Also, you may be quick to shift any responsibility you have in problems to others – others are not “backing you up” like they should be.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: Let go of trying to convince others of your importance (or how essential you are) to the situation/environment. Practice serving others (anonymously) in contexts where importance is simply not a factor, with others who have no clout or “social capital” to offer you in return.
Level 6: Level of Overcompensation
Behaviors (outer): intimidating, combative, unreasonable, forceful, aggressive, threatening, pushing limits, undermining, oppressive
Attitudes (inner): confrontational, defiant, “chip on shoulder,” bad-tempered, lustful, cynical, repressing hurt, contempt for weakness
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To pressure/force others to do what you want, to make others fall in line with your agenda
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: At this stage, the feeling that others aren’t doing enough to support you intensifies into the “certainty” that people are turning against you. You begin to see threats and enemies (and you divide everyone into categories of “allies” and “enemies” with little neutral ground) encroaching on you from all sides.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: Resist the temptation to “pressure” others to acquiesce to your wishes. Your relationships won’t last long when they are built on such “arm-twisting” to get your way. Instead, do the counterintuitive move. Be vulnerable with others. Talk about your struggles and insecurities. Potentially join a support group or participate in group therapy.
Level 7: Level of Violation
Behaviors (outer): dictatorial, “outlaw,” violent, brutal, treacherous, scheming, untruthful
Attitudes (inner): ruthless, feel betrayed, antisocial, predatory, immoral, vengeful
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To survive and regain control, at any cost
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: Seeing only threats, challenges, and enemies your worries coalesce into a single fear: retaliation! You may start viewing everything in “war” or “survival” terms which will kick you further and further down the levels.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: Resist going into “survival mode” through honest authenticity about your fears (yes, it’s time to call them “fears”) and struggles. Go to therapy, and do what is recommended without adjustment.
Level 8: Level of Delusion and Compulsion
Behaviors (outer): terrorizing, rapacious, raging, devastating, overextended
Attitudes (inner): megalomaniacal, overreaching, unrestrained, “omnipotent,” no boundaries
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To be without fear, invincible, unassailable, invulnerable (detached from reality)
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: Viewing everything as a “battle” now, you are tempted to start crossing lines. Lying, injustice, and violence may start to seem like options that are “on the table.” You fear that your resources won’t hold out against the “threats” around you. That growing desperation may lead you to lash out “while you still can.”
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: Honesty and unvarnished truth have likely been your highest values. Realize that you are starting to see those as “malleable,” and take that as the red flag you need to shock you. Go to therapy, maybe even residential therapy. At this level of unhealthiness, it may not be an overstatement to say that the options are between residential therapy and incarceration. If you ever want to regain “control,” then you first have to admit that you are “out of control” and ask for help.
Level 9: Level of Pathological Destructiveness
Behaviors (outer): destructive, murderous, monstrous, barbarous, ruinous
Attitudes (inner): sociopathic, inhuman, cruel, remorseless
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To destroy everything rather than be forced to submit or surrender (“Burn it all down, and take them down with you!”)
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: N/A. The basic fear is realized. You have no control over yourself. Whether you “control” any others or not with your violent actions, it won’t change the feeling of lack of control that has become your whole world.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: No easy move. Go to (residential) therapy. Begin to work back by acknowledging the lie that started the whole process. It is a lie that you must always be in control of your environment. You’ll never have full control of the environment or others. You can only control your response. Period.