Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
Basic Desire: To be loved unconditionally
(Damaging) Self-Image: You are not allowed to take care of yourself and your own needs.
Level 1: Level of Liberation
Behaviors (outer): loving unconditionally, joyous, radiant, truly charitable, constant, “tough love”
Attitudes (inner): altruistic, self-nurturing, disinterested, unselfish, humble, gracious
Self-Actualization: Let go of your identification with a particular self-image, that you are not allowed to take care of yourself and your own needs
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved; believing that others won’t love you just for yourself.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: N/A
Level 2: Level of Psychological Capacity
Behaviors (outer): loving, caring, selfless, thoughtful, warm-hearted, passionate
Attitudes (inner): empathetic, concerned, other-oriented, forgiving, compassionate, sincere
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To be loved unconditionally
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: You begin to fear that having your own needs and/or any negative feelings will harm your relationships.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: Let go of the need to be loved unconditionally. You can’t hang your entire self-image on how other people think of you – even if it’s your significant other.
Level 3: Level of Social Value
Behaviors (outer): giving, generous, encouraging, helpful, expressive, guiding, serving
Attitudes (inner): supportive, appreciative, sympathetic, nurturing, dedicated, admiring, affectionate
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To do good things for others (to reinforce your positive feelings and self-image)
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: That whatever you have been doing for others is not enough to gain their love. You begin to think others will not come to you; you have to go out for others more and more. “If I only did a little more for them, then they will finally really love me.”
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: Recognize the cycle: (1) You want others to “do good” for others. (2) You “do good” for others. (3) You expect them to know your motivations and reasons for “doing good” without you saying anything to them. Break the cycle: Stop “doing good” for others in order to get something in return, i.e., to feel good about yourself and to maintain your self-image.
Level 4: Level of Imbalance
Behaviors (outer): demonstrative, approving, flattering, flirtatious, people-pleasing, cultivating, “sharing”
Attitudes (inner): well-intentioned, sentimental, solicitous, familiar, yearning, needing physical contact, religious/psychic
Desire (why do you act and think these ways): To be wanted – to be close to others
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: People you love may just love someone else more than they love you.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: Hold more loosely the desire to be wanted, of the need to be close to others. Practice investing in yourself. If it helps to externalize, then imagine what advice you would give to help another in the same situation. Follow the same advice that you would give to another person. It may help to journal this process out as a means to externalize it.
Level 5: Level of Interpersonal Control
Behaviors (outer): intrusive, “intimate,” accosting, seductive, unwanted advice, hovering, gossiping, enabling
Attitudes (inner): possessive, “self-sacrificing,” worrying, ulterior motives, thin-skinned, jealous, classic codependency, “stuffing feelings”
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To be needed – to make yourself necessary to others
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: That you and your help are being taken for granted. People are just getting close to you in order to use you.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: Let go of the need to be needed. If others only keep you around because you are “necessary,” then it’s not worth your time to stay around them. Continue any journaling practice that may have begun at Level 4, particularly keep track of what people say specifically versus what implications you think you see. You may find that much of this problem is composed of your interpretations of what is not said (i.e., projection) rather than your interpretations of what is said.
Level 6: Level of Overcompensation
Behaviors (outer): overbearing, patronizing, high-handed, insincere, indiscreet, terms of endearment, complaining/martyr
Attitudes (inner): self-important, self-satisfied, vainglorious, sanctimonious, presumptuous, self-congratulatory, hypochondriac
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To be acknowledged, to have your virtue and goodness recognized
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: You begin to fear that you are driving others away.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: Confront your need to be acknowledged, to have your goodness recognized. Make sure that any virtuous actions on your part are completely anonymous.
Level 7: Level of Violation
Behaviors (outer): manipulative, blaming, guilt-instilling, smothering, discouraging, eating disorders, somatizing
Attitudes (inner): self-justifying, self-deceptive, rationalizing, histrionic, despondent, enraged
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To maintain the belief that you haven’t done anything selfish/wrong (holding on to people at all costs)
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: Compounding the fear of driving others away, you begin to think you may have permanently estranged your loved ones.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: Acknowledge your own self-interest. Let go of maintaining the belief that you haven’t ever done anything for yourself. Going to therapy can be a great help in confronting your own complicity.
Level 8: Level of Delusion and Compulsion
Behaviors (outer): coercive, indiscriminate, sexually act-out, voracious, reckless, molesting
Attitudes (inner): entitled, insatiable, desperate, obsessive “love,” heartbroken, demand repayment
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To get love from anyone in any way you can
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: You fear that you are bad, selfish, and have violated others.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: Refuse to sink into the desperation of trying to get love from anyone in any way you can. Go to therapy to work out these unhealthy scripts and behaviors.
Level 9: Level of Pathological Destructiveness
Behaviors (outer): parasitic, burdensome, diseased, physically broken down, invalids
Attitudes (inner): feel victimized, feel abused, psychosomatic disorders, emotionally consumed
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To vindicate yourself by falling apart and suffering
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: N/A. The basic fear is realized. You have become unwanted and unloved – not by any inherent defect, but by pushing everyone away with your clinging, cloying dependency.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: No easy move. Go to (residential) therapy. Begin to work back by acknowledging the lie that started the whole process. It is a lie that you are not allowed to take care of yourself and your own needs.