Basic Fear: Of being worthless (apart from achievements)
Basic Desire: To feel valuable and worthwhile (not disappoint others)
(Damaging) Self-Image: Your value is dependent on the positive regard of others.
Level 1: Level of Liberation
Behaviors (outer): authentic, genuine, affecting, esteemed, self-deprecatory, benevolent
Attitudes (inner): inner-directed, self-accepting, modest, contented, tender, charitable
Self-Actualization: Let go of your identification with a particular self-image, that your value is dependent on the positive regard of others.
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: Of being worthless (apart from achievements) or incapable; having no intrinsic worth.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: N/A
Level 2: Level of Psychological Capacity
Behaviors (outer): admirable, desirable, attractive, charming, well-adjusted, poised
Attitudes (inner): adaptable, other-directed, realistic, self-assured, purposeful, “unlimited potential”
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To feel valuable and worthwhile (because you feel that you, just as yourself, disappoint others)
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: That you will be rejected. Anything about yourself that may be rejected by others should be hidden beneath a “perfected” surface. “I’m not doing anything out of the ordinary. Doesn’t everyone present themselves in the best possible light?”
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: Let go of the opinions of others. Your value/worth is about your opinion of you. Let go of the fixation that others are thinking about you (and evaluating you).
Level 3: Level of Social Value
Behaviors (outer): self-improving, outstanding, effective, competent, capable communicator, motivating, industrious
Attitudes (inner): goal-oriented, ambitious, confident, high-spirited, diligent, focused, persistent, self-investing
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To develop personally in a never-ending upward spiral (“unlimited potential”)
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: You begin to fear that you are falling behind, being overshadowed by others. You may begin to think, “If I could only hustle a bit more, then…”
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: While it seems that the answer is to develop yourself more, “to be all that you can be,” the counterintuitive move is to be vulnerable. Let others see that you aren’t always capable; you need them. Pour your “development” into others, not yourself.
Level 4: Level of Imbalance
Behaviors (outer): performing, achieving, career-oriented, self-enhancing, organized, diplomatic, presentable
Attitudes (inner): success-oriented, comparing, status-conscious, competitive, exclusive, driven, seeking recognition
Desire (why do you act and think these ways): To distinguish yourself from others; to be noticed and valued by others (for what you do)
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: The focus on others that began at Level 3 intensifies here. You begin to fear losing the positive regard of others, and you continue to hustle, but now you are justifying it as keeping up your “network.”
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: The pressure to distinguish yourself may feel quite intense at this level, but, to become healthier, you need to let that go. Being noticed and valued by others only brings a temporary and false high. Focus on doing your best not being “the best” to move up the levels of health.
Level 5: Level of Interpersonal Control
Behaviors (outer): expedient, meet expectations, chameleonic, packaged, efficient, pragmatic, professional, “friendly”
Attitudes (inner): image-conscious, “rehearsed,” premeditated, impersonal, emotionally detached, “reading” others, intimacy problems, self-doubting
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To create a favorable impression of yourself. “The quickest way to success is to impress!”
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: At this level, there is a lot more “image” than “substance” to your persona, and you begin to fear that people will see through the façade. In the effort to not “lose face” or be humiliated, the hustle that started at Level 3 may seem to become all you know how to do. You also cut out any personal or “down” time to maintain your frenetic pace.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: It seems like the most natural thing in the world is to put “your best foot forward” or show the side of yourself to which your “audience” would respond best. The counterintuitive move is stop trying to “impress.” Mindfully, try to do good anonymously. At work, make sure someone else or the other members of your team get the credit, even if you did most of the work. Notice what happens – how it affects your relationships with others – as a result.
Level 6: Level of Overcompensation
Behaviors (outer): self-promoting, “showing off,” inflating accomplishments, openly competitive, mocking/sneering, seductive, “attitude”
Attitudes (inner): grandiose, self-involved, narcissistic, contemptuous, arrogant, jealous, secretly needy
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To convince yourself and others of the reality of your image (if other people “buy” it, then you can too)
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: You begin to fear that you simply can’t maintain the hustle. You are afraid that you are failing and that your claims are empty. You feel like such a fraud, like behind the “mask” you have shaped there’s just…nothing at all.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: Stop trying to convince others to accept the reality of your “image” (which is really about you accepting the reality of your image). Purposefully understate your accomplishments without an agenda to get any rewards for false modesty. Find a trusted person or a trusted few and admit your fears and vulnerabilities. Write them out ahead of time, so you aren’t tempted in the moment to “smooth” it all over. If you can’t think of anyone whom you can trust at this stage, find a therapist.
Level 7: Level of Violation
Behaviors (outer): deceptive, concealing, “cutting corners,” surreptitious, detracting, divisive
Attitudes (inner): unprincipled, covetous, hostile, inner emptiness, affectless, feeling insignificant
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To preserve the illusion that they are still superior, still okay (“Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain…”)
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: Entering a world of only illusions, you begin to fear any situation, person, or thing that may make you question your illusion of superiority – or of simply being “okay.” You begin to think there is nothing at all about you that can be admired.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: At each of the unhealthy levels, the power of illusion gets stronger and stronger until it consumes everything –your friends, your family, and finally you. Do whatever it takes to face reality. Go to therapy.
Level 8: Level of Delusion and Compulsion
Behaviors (outer): opportunistic, exploitative, betraying, sabotaging, scheming, pathologically lying
Attitudes (inner): duplicitous, suppressed panic, remorseless, desperate, feel cornered, detached from self
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To do whatever is necessary to support your false claims (and cover your tracks)
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: Becoming extremely unhealthy, your fear becomes paranoia that your fraudulence will be exposed. Desperation follows.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: [same steps as Level 7] At each of the unhealthy levels, the power of illusion gets stronger and stronger until it consumes everything – your friends, your family, and finally you. Do whatever it takes to face reality. Go to therapy.
Level 9: Level of Pathological Destructiveness
Behaviors (outer): relentless, monstrous, vicious, psychopathic
Attitudes (inner): monomaniacal, malicious, vengeful, sadistic
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To destroy whoever or whatever threatens you (i.e., reminds you that you are a fraud)
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: N/A. The basic fear is realized. You are rejected as worthless not because of an intrinsic lack of value but because you have pushed everyone away. All your bridges have been burned.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: No easy move. Go to (residential) therapy. Begin to work back by acknowledging the lie that started the whole process. It is a lie that your value is dependent on the positive regard of others.