Basic Fear: Of being unable to survive on your own, having no support
Basic Desire: To find security and support (to really belong somewhere); to have certainty; to know exactly what to do and how to do it
(Damaging) Self-Image: You must rely on someone or something (or some method) outside of yourself for security.
Level 1: Level of Liberation
Behaviors (outer): courageous, intrepid, synergistic, indefatigable, self-expressive, decisive
Attitudes (inner): self-reliant, self-affirming, independent, positive-thinking, grounded, secure
Self-Actualization: Let go of your identification with a particular self-image, that you must rely on someone or something outside of yourself for security – the self-image that someone else knows better for you than you do.
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: Of being unable to survive on your own. Rather than fear, you begin with doubt – doubting yourself, thinking, “Maybe, I should just consult a trusted other person or two. Surely, they have an important opinion that I should take into account.”
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: N/A
Level 2: Level of Psychological Capacity
Behaviors (outer): reliable, dependable, trustworthy, likable, careful, having foresight, “regular” guy or gal
Attitudes (inner): engaging, bonding, identifying, faithful, trusting, questioning, vigilant, connecting
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To find security and support; to belong – but this search is now focused outward. Security, support, and belonging are “out there” for you to go and hunt for
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: Now, that you’ve started to doubt yourself. That “bubble” of doubt begins to expand, and you may begin to fear that you’ll lose your security and your sense of belonging (that is based on feeling safe and secure).
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: Let go of looking to others for your security, support, or certainty. Nothing is ever fully “certain,” and every choice has consequences. Just make a choice, and firmly decide to live with it. Practice looking at a decision for yourself as if you were giving advice to another person. Then, follow whatever you would recommend to “them.”
Level 3: Level of Social Value
Behaviors (outer): cooperative, persevering, meticulous, egalitarian, hardworking, community-building, thrifty, craftsmanship
Attitudes (inner): committed, responsible, disciplined, practical, action-oriented, self-sacrificial, respectful, methodical
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To build and maintain “social security” – i.e., create systems, procedures, and alliances – that you can fall back on
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: Doubting your networks and systems of security at the previous level leads to a stronger fear of losing whatever level of safety/certainty you now have. You may be kicked down to a less-healthy level when this fear begins to “paralyze” action. You worry that doing anything will jeopardize your security systems (groups, authorities, or affiliations).
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: That pull to “strategically” build and sustain support – that is what is pulling you down the levels. Let go of “forming alliances” and concentrate on just being an open and trusting friend (no strings attached). The more you focus on the “safest bet” the more you’ll feel that you can never “let your guard down.”
Level 4: Level of Imbalance
Behaviors (outer): loyal, investing, organizing, analyzing, camaraderie, safeguarding, troubleshooting, ingratiating
Attitudes (inner): obligated, “covering bases,” seeking approval, convinced, believing and doubting, insecure, attached to systems, attached to beliefs
Desire (why do you act and think these ways): To strengthen your support – do whatever it takes to ingratiate yourself with an ally, association, or authority (“I’ll scratch your back, believing that will obligate you to scratch mine.” – not that you would ever say that aloud)
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: At this point, you are spending a lot of time and energy into maintaining all of your commitments and systems. This effort is beginning to stress and tax you noticeably. You start to doubt that you can keep up the pace, and that doubt leads to the fear that you can’t meet these conflicting “demands” (that you sought out).
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: It seems like now more than ever that you need to shore up your “social security,” but that is what is drawing you down. With all of the competing commitments you are beginning to forget any duty or loyalty you have to yourself. Practice stating/writing your own needs and coming up with solutions to how those needs can be met (You’ve likely been problem-solving all sorts of solutions for others in your group, family, or network – just turn some of that focus on yourself).
Level 5: Level of Interpersonal Control
Behaviors (outer): defensive, evasive, passive-aggressive, indecisive, unpredictable, complaining, testing, moody
Attitudes (inner): ambivalent, cautious, feel pressured, anxious, reactive, negative, skeptical, suspicious
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To resist having any further demands/obligations placed on you (to assert your needs without being direct). At this point, desire has become about what you don’t want to happen rather than what you do want to happen.
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: At this level, you may become prone to full-blown fear and worry that your support is inadequate and that you’ll lose what support you already have. If fear and worry persist long enough, then they combine to form the first murmurings of paranoia (which will be your greatest enemy down the rest of the levels).
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: By this point, demands on you have created a lot of pressure, and it is tempting to try to find ways to ease that pressure surreptitiously. However, you have laid those demands on yourself, then invited the obligations from others (all the while hoping that would obligate them to you). The counterintuitive move is to get this whole process out of your head. Trade passive-aggressiveness for simple assertiveness. Verbalize your pressure issues to your allies. Either you will be surprised at how readily they will help you ease the burden (because they didn’t know anything about your internal turmoil) or they will walk away. No matter which possibility happens you now know where you stand. Just remember that you will be tempted to voice “exasperation” with the situation that they likely don’t know about. Don’t come on too strong. This isn’t a “test” for them to pass or fail.
Level 6: Level of Overcompensation
Behaviors (outer): blaming, belligerent, sarcastic, scapegoating, conspiratorial, overzealous, fear-instilling, (potential) substance abuse
Attitudes (inner): authoritarian, cynical, defiant, mean-spirited, prejudiced, short-tempered, stubborn, phobic/counter-phobic “flips”
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To “prove” your value and strength to allies, enemies, authorities, and – most of all – yourself. Last desperate hope of building enough support
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: You begin to fear – to be paranoid – that your own actions have jeopardized your safety. You may begin to analyze and re-analyze all of your past actions to find where you “took a wrong turn” to sabotage your support systems. At this level, your focus turns inward critically.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: Resist the temptation to make grand gestures to “prove” your value or worth in order to maintain security systems of allies and authorities. Verbalizing your doubt and inner turmoil can help to cool the over-heated cycle of alert and vigilance that you feel trapped in. A trusted friend or two can help here, but it might be even more useful to seek out a good therapist.
Level 7: Level of Violation
Behaviors (outer): clingingly dependent, conform completely, cowardly, self-humiliating, self-punishing, unreliable
Attitudes (inner): submissive, panicky, inferiority feelings, feel helpless, depressed, emotionally needy, masochistic
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To do whatever it takes to elicit “rescue” from a stronger ally
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: The inward fears from the previous level solidify here, and you turn outward again. You now fear and may become paranoid that others are out to destroy whatever precious “shreds” of security or belonging you have left. It may begin to seem that shadows and fears are on every side, and you feel all alone in the midst of threat.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: Any action you can take to trust others (without any designs on reciprocal loyalty) will be helpful. Assist others that are “weaker” than yourself, those who can’t offer you any form of “protection.” Resist any impulse to do something to elicit protection or “rescue” from a stronger ally. Go to therapy.
Level 8: Level of Delusion and Compulsion
Behaviors (outer): lashing out, fanatical, irrational, ranting, violent
Attitudes (inner): paranoid, hateful, desperate, anxiety-ridden, obsessive
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To remove all threats – thoughts of violence and attack may be persistently present
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: All hope of rescue runs out at this point, and you begin to fear “punishment” for what you have done. Doubt and fear are fully replaced by paranoia. Nowhere is truly safe, at least that is how it feels.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: You feel backed into a corner and that it is “fight or flight” time. Resist that urge. As at the previous level, any act of trust can be helpful here. Verbally ask for help. Go to (residential) therapy.
Level 9: Level of Pathological Destructiveness
Behaviors (outer): self-destructive, inviting disgrace, suicidal, dropping out, heedless
Attitudes (inner): self-abashing, hysterical, guilt-ridden, tormented, self-condemnatory, self-hating
Desires (why do you act and think these ways): To escape punishment; to atone for your guilt.
The Fear that will kick you down to a less healthy level: N/A. The basic fear is realized. You are not able to survive on your own. You have been “abandoned” – well, actually, you have pushed everyone away or attacked them in your paranoia.
The Counterintuitive truth that you have to face to move to a healthier level: No easy move. Go to (residential) therapy. Begin to work back by acknowledging the lie that started the whole process. It is a lie that you must rely on something or someone outside of yourself for security. The road back begins with the step that’s always been hardest for you – trusting yourself.